An ongoing series wherein totally make-believe persons voice their totally fake concerns regarding totally real books written by CWILL BC writers.
Dear Mr. Födi,
On behalf of the Onion Growers Operative of North America, we are writing to inform you that we have taken great offense at your book, Kendra Kandlestar and the Box of Whispers, which we are startled to find has just been re-released in a new edition bySimply Read Books as of this September, 2013.
We feel your book does complete injustice to the innocent onion. Simply put, it reeks. Throughout your book, purportedly aimed at children 7 and up, the character Kendra Kandlestar and her companion Oki the mouse repeatedly utter the phrase, “Don’t think of onions” during various moments of their quest to discover some secretive and strange chest known as the Box of Whispers.
The phrase is especially used by Oki when he is terrified. Well, since your story can’t seem to go a single page without Oki encountering dwarves, dragons, or some other dismal and dire situation, this phrase is used all too excessively. In one instance, that pesky rodent is actually transformed into an onion! This scene is depicted in such a manner as to suggest that it would actually be TERRIBLE to be an onion. But really, you do a poor job of showing any of the benefits of such a transformation.
We ask that you instantly revise and edit your book and replace all instances of the word “onion” with a far more reprehensible food item. We suggest ketchup. If you do not heed our warnings, you will hear from our legal representatives, Nigel Stiffbottom & Associates.
Onion Growers Operative
Kendra Kandlestar and the Box of Whispers
Written and illustrated by Lee Edward Födi
Published by Simply Read Books
Release: September 2013